back by popular demand, our most requested guest blogger vegafoo has humbled us with his presence.
guest review by: vegafoo
Do you remember that scene in Talladega Nights where the drivers are involved in a massive car crash that's so long they cut to an Applebee's commercial in the middle of it?
Well Michael Bay has skillfully decided that his Applebee's commercial would be everything that happened in our lives over the last two years, as the massive car crash that is Transformers: Dark of the Moon picks up right where 2009's Revenge of the Fallen left off. Namely- being absolute garbage. They say you can't polish a turd and now we know for sure that you can't transform one either.
It's still too long. It's still racist (Yes Michael, offending races other than African-Americans still counts as being racist). Still sexist too. Still definitely not funny (though Bay seems to really think it is). I have a theory that he once filmed an entire terrible comedy that no one wanted to produce, so he secretly snuck it into this latest Transformers movie and hoped no one would notice or care. (We don't).
There are no characters worth caring about. The humans are all generic and pointless. Their role is still meaningless. Shia Lebouf continues to serve no purpose. He's also an awful actor. There, I said it. It's time we faced the truth and stop blaming all the really bad movies he's been in over the years. To be fair, everyone else is just as worthless. Oh, and the movie stops every few minutes for a blonde girl to walk on screen and do a Victoria's Secret commercial.
Also, we still don't care if the robots live or die. It's virtually impossible to connect with them when they can't display actual emotions with the trash heaps that are their faces and when their only defining personality trait is the color of their paint-jobs.
The plot is laughable and incoherent at best. I won't spend much time talking about it since the movie doesn't either. Nothing ever really happens and there's more actual drama in the commercials for the toys that these movies are based on. At least in those we can tell which robots are fighting each other. I honestly feel that at this point Michael Bay is just doing stuff to make me mad on purpose.
And don't give me that "Oh it's just a summer popcorn blockbuster" crap. I'm not buying it. "Oh you just have to check your brain at the door and enjoy it." No, no you don't. People who say that checked their brains at the door when they were born. I didn't have to check my brain to enjoy District 9, a great summer action movie. I didn't have to with Inception, a fantastic and enjoyable summer thriller. Blockbusters can have good characters, good dialogue, can be smart and meaningful, and well crafted in addition to being visually stimulating and entertaining. This movie is none of those things.